Babysitting Geniuses
by Sakuchi-san
Summary: L, Light, and Matsuda are currently investigating the Yotsuba group, when L's cell rings. It's the head of Wammy House asking L to take care of Near, Matt, and Mello for awhile. L says no, but the group is still stuck with the kids, and not just for a little while.
1. Don't Answer The Phone

L was busy trying to break his own record of 24 strawberry shortcakes eaten in under 30 minutes, Light was looking up Yotsuba profiles on the computer, and Matsuda was being, well, Matsuda. The day was starting out like any other when L's cell rang the Death Note ending song.

"Hmm...yes? L speaking." he answered with cake-puffed cheeks. He wasn't really in the mood for talking, the cake was trying to fight him back at the moment.

"Yes L, this is the curator of Wammy House. I was wondering if you would take care of some candidates for surpassing you. It would do them good to have some real background experience in detective work."

"By 'candidates' do you mean Near, Matt, and Mello? I'm going to give that a 95% chance of that being true and tell you...NO. Good day." L folds up his cell and goes back to attacking the cake. _He knows better than to ask me to take care of those...THINGS. _The cell rings once again, but this time L ignores it.

"Aren't you going to answer that? The cake's not that important." Light says still staring at the computer screen. "You really need to change your ringtone...it sounds like something from an anime."

Just then Matsuda walks into the lobby area. "Hey L your cell's ringing. Don't worry I got it!" Matsuda grabs up L's phone before he could object and answers it. "Heyo, Matsuda speaking. Curator of Wammy House...hmm...taking care of kids...background experience. Oh sure, no one here minds kids all that much, we'll be happy to take them for awhile. They're coming tomorrow? Great...okay, bye. Hey L guess wha- why are you looking at me like that?"

L had one strawberry poised on the end of his fork, frozen in mid-air almost near his mouth. "Matsuda you just signed us on as babysitters during the Kira investigation. You are truly an idiot."


	2. Battle Strategy

It was early noon the next day and L was pacing back and forth in front of the computer console and licking the icing off a chocolate doughnut. Light and Matsuda were sitting across from him on the couch. "Well, since Matsuda decided to answer someone's private cell we are now stuck with three "kids" to babysit. The only logical way to deal with them would be to split the work between us: one kid per person. Yes Light? You have a question?" L asks in mid-lick.

"Why am I being sucked into this babysitting deal? Matsuda was the one that said yes and you're the one who knows the brats, so when do I come into all this? I have much more important things to do."

L pauses in his pacing and slouches over to Light. "As I said before there's three of us and three of the _things._ Equal shares. The other reason is that if you don't help I may be tempted to increase your percentage of being Kira an extra 10% or 11%. Think about that." L says then takes a savage bite out of the chocolate doughnut. You could almost hear it screaming.

Matsuda shifted nervously in his seat. He didn't know how to approach L with his question without getting his head bit off. Finally he settled on raising his head, like an elementary student. "Um, L? Sir? Highness? When are the kids due to come here?" Just then the front door flung open and Matusda screamed at the shadows in the doorway.

"Whoa, is that a MAN screaming?"

"He screams like a pussy."

"I'm already bored."

The monsters have arrived.


	3. Meeting the Monsters

Devouring the rest of his captive doughnut, L takes out a cherry lollipop and walks over to the three future geniuses. "I see you guys have grown since I've last been at Wammy House, but some things haven't changed. Near: still carrying around action figures, Matt: still glued to a hand-held game, and Mello: still with that grimace that appears to be your face."

"And L: still thinking his smarter than everybody. Ass." Mello muttered looking around the complex lobby. _They have to have chocolate around here somewhere. _Near just stood and looked at L, a small smile plastered on his face and Matt was wearing his thumbs down on Megaman.

Suddenly Matsuda came into group. "I wonder what you were so worried about L. These guys don't look that bad. In fact, I may go as far as to say that they're kinda cute." Matsuda held out his hand to Mello and said, "Nice to meet you, I'm Touta Matsuda."

Mello stares at his hand for a moment, then up to his face. "Damn, you're old and scream like a girl. Got any chocolate gramps?"

Matsuda didn't know what to say to ANY of that. So he just stood there and kept smiling and hoped that L came to his rescue. L spoke up, but didn't say what he wanted him to say.

"I see that Mello has taken a liking to you Matsuda. You'll be his pairing for the days he stays here. Light Yagami you take Near because he'll try to challenge me at every turn and I'll have Matt because if you give him a game he'll shut up."

Near went up to Light and looked at his face closely, almost in a stalkerish kind of way. _Man this kid could kick ass in a staring contest. _Light thought as he lead Near away.

And all Near could think about Light Yagami was, _Yagami? Isn't that spelled backwards... What were his parents thinking?_


	4. It's Okay To Be Stupid

As well known Near is a gifted child and is not easily occupied. And if not occupied he tends to get somewhat, _annoying, very annoying._ This is what Light was thinking as for the 12th time the kid said, "I'm bored."

"Okay...You're bored again...in 5 minutes. How about you do another Sudoku puzzle, there's a whole book in the my pack by the table." Light said still looking up Yotsuba files. It was proving harder that he thought to make connections between the company and Kira.

Near came up behind him with a Megaman figure in his hand. "That level one stuff? I already did it. And the crosswords, word ladders, and spot the difference pictures. You have some very easy stuff in your pack for a person out of school."

Light stopped typing and put his hands over his face. "Alright, if you're soooo smart then how about you amuse yourself while I work on some important business." He resumed his search through the files.

"Oh, the Kira case. I wouldn't mind getting in on that, if L would let me. It would be much more stimulating than that baby stuff you gave me. Besides, it looks like you need the brain power." Near commented curling a piece of white hair and moving Megaman in flying motions.

"_Excuse me? Brain power?_ You said that like it was supposed to mean something."

"Oh. Well it's obvious that between you and L, you don't have that much brain. The investigation may go faster with me working with L. Someone on his level."

"Between me and L! You must not can count because you forgot Matsuda."

"HIM? He doesn't count. I'm not sure he has any brain or that negative IQ points exist."

"True. But what you're saying is that I'm _**dumber**_ than L?"

"Yes. But it's okay. You don't have to be ashamed of being stupid."

"ASHAMED OF BEING STUPID!" Light's loosing his cool.

"Yeah, you see? Stupid people compensate IQ with shouting. It's okay though, I understand."

"I'M NOT STUPID!" Then he paused and took a breath. "Why don't you go back to playing with your _Dolls. _'Kay? Leave grown-ups to their work and babies to their _Dolls_."

Near froze and held up Megaman. "This is not a doll, it is an action figure."

"No. It's a DOLL, okay? A DOLL. D-O-L-L. Doll."

Near doesn't like it when you spell at him. That's for dumb people and he was NOT dumb. "Fine. It's a doll...Mr. Imagay. Oh wait I said it wrong. It's I'M A GAY! What type a civilized person has that name, huh? Light I'm A Gay. It's a nice way to show your sexual orientation though."

Light put his hands to his hand and muffled a scream. _If only I was Kira, this kid would be so dead._


	5. Hugs Are For Fags

While Near was branding Light with his new nickname, Matsuda wasn't faring too well against Mello's, well, _intense _personality. He couldn't do one thing for himself without the kid ordering him to do something else. All his pocket money he was saving for the new TokyoMewMew videogame went into buying Mello chocolate. And boy did this kid like chocolate.

"Okay, I'm back and I've got you're king-sized Snickers and the Hershey bar you wanted." Matsuda panted as he came into one of the guest rooms. He had actually ran 3 miles to a store to get him this _specifically._ The last time he got him a Reeses and the kid repeatedly called him a fag for an hour.

"Good, give me the Snickers and keep the Hershey in your pocket." Mello snatched the Snickers and went back to the couch.

"But the Hershey will melt if I-"

"PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET."

"okay."

_This kid, I'm not even sure he IS a kid. He cusses like a grown man and I don't even curse that much. _This was what Matsuda was thinking as he sat at the other end of the couch with Mello. Mello was watching some violent show (no surprise) and Matsuda kept glancing at him from the corner of his eye.

"Got an eye problem Gramps? Quit staring because I don't go that way." Mello huffed still staring straight ahead.

"Uh, no! No way, nu-uh. I was just thinking is all." Matsuda said hurriedly shifting over more until practically one butt cheek was off the couch. _I can't believe I'm scared of a kid. What kind of cop am I?_

"Thinking? You actually do that? First surprise I had all day." He leaned over and tried to grab the remote at the edge of the coffee table. "Hey Gramps, get that will ya?"

"Um...'Kay?" Matsuda reached over and grabbed the remote, but then a thought occurred to him. _L put me in charge of this little monster and _I _will tame it. I'm like, what, 11 years older tha__n__ him? _"As a matter of fact, I'm going to watch some television now. So _**shove it**__._" Matsuda said changing the channel to cartoons.

For the second time since getting there, Mello looked Matsuda full on in the face. "What you say Gramps? I asked for the remote, GIVE IT. You're really going to get hurt."

"And I said no. N-O. Noooooo." Matsuda said, then proceeded to wave the remote in Mello's face. _This feels so good. _

At first Mello just sat there, frozen. Then his face went into the most horrid contortion that would make a movie monster cry. _I. Can't. Believe This. This old bastard taunting ME? He wouldn't be doing that if I break his fingers...Only the high and mighty L wouldn't take to kindly to that._

Matsuda was on a roll, however. "Hey, hey, hey. Don't make faces like that, oh wait, that is your face! HAHAHA!" He was on cloud nine and he didn't think he would ever come down.

In that same moment, Mello came up with a plan. It may make him seem like a pussy, but he'll be able to give this jackass what for. But first he had to calm down and Matsuda wasn't making it easy.

"Oh wait a moment. Remember that chocolate bar you wanted me to hold? It's mine now. MINE! Run and get your own choco- wait what?" _That can't be right. Wait, WHAT AM I SEEING? _What had Matsuda so utterly confused was that Mello was...crying. _I thought this kid was supposed to be a gangster or something, but he's crying over CHOCOLATE? _

Matsuda didn't want to be known as the man who made a little kid cry. That's just plain wrong. Wronger than wrong that he didn't know what was. "Um, hey, hey! I was just kidding. Here, you can have the remote and the chocolate. I'm just being Matsuda." Then Matsuda had an idea, what do kids like more than hugs? "Come and give Matsui a HUG!"

Mello's act was going as planned until he heard 'hug'. Hugs were for fags and he wasn't a fag. But before he could move Matsuda wrapped him in a giant bear hug. And that's when Mello lost it.

"See, I'm sorr- AAAAAHHHH! MY EYE! HE PUNCHED ME IN THE EYE! *****sob, sob, sob* L PLEASE! GET HIM OFF!"


	6. Gamer Breakdown

Meanwhile back in the central computer room L was still following up on his investigations on Kira. But surprisingly for someone of L's IQ he wasn't making much head way. Probably because every 5 seconds there was the sound of gunfire, explosions, chants, and the occasional death scream from a videogame Matt was playing nearby on his handheld. Not an environment for productive work.

"Matt I would greatly appreciate if you would cut that down. I don't need to know how many people you've shot or buildings you've blown up." L said staring at the computer and nibbling on a chocolate chip cookie.

"Damnit L, you made me die! Quit talking, will ya?" Matt grumbled as his gunman died for the third time that afternoon. He had already completed 3 games and this was the only one that was giving him hell. "Jump idiot or you get shot!" He screamed at the gamescreen, repeatedly mashing buttons.

"Me talking has no direct connection with you dying. Maybe if you weren't so bad at the game it would-"

"ME? Bad at videogames? The supreme Mortal Kombat master!? I AM MATT THE-"

"Annoying? Irritating? Pain-in-the-ass? Anyone of those could fill in the spot. Now, stop shouting and leave me to working." L devoured the rest of his chocolate chip cookie and reached for another. This was his 12th out of 24 cookies and the 3rd pack. But they weren't helping his concentration.

"Fine, if you're so sure about it then play against me." Matt demanded taking out his spare handheld from his pack. "That way I can kick your ass virtual style."

L sighed and got up from his computer chair. "Alright, maybe if I beat you a few times you'll shut up so I can get back to my research."

Three hours later and 20 wins to him, L put down the controller and started to make his way back to the computer. He had only lost one time, the first time when he was trying to figure out how to work the controls. But after that he got the hang of it and whipped Matt at the thing he loves most. Matt was still sitting with the controller in his lap, slack-jawed staring at the gamescreen.

L turned around in his seat and said, "Matt as your babysitter I would advise that you don't make faces like that. It might freeze that way."

"Wait a minute! Wait. A. Minute. I DEMAND a rematch! Right now! NOW." Matt yelled getting to his feet and marching over to L. _I have to be dreaming. I mean really? A novice beating the greatest gamer in all of Wammy House!? I'm just off my game is all. Yeah, this new environment is cramping my style. He won't win again._

"I guess I should expect this from a kid, but honestly Matt. I gave you a rematch 20 times already and may I remind you that you lost all those times. The only reason why you're the best gamer in Wammy House now is because I'd already moved out. Now please, go...do something, I guess."

L began to reach for another chocolate chip cookie, but when his hand went down all he felt was air. He glanced down and to his dismay the pack was gone. His precious beauties! _They were here a moment ago! WHERE ARE THEY!? _He spun around quickly and saw Matt holding the pack above his head. L didn't know how a kid could look so demented, but Matt had it down to a science. L composed himself and said to Matt quietly, "It would be in your best interest to put those down. I haven't had a meltdown in quite a while. And I'm pretty sure you wouldn't like it."

Matt grinned sideways, still waving the cookies above his head. "Alright, I'll put them down. All you have to say is 'Matt is the supreme gamer overlord'. Say it and I'll give them back."

L paused for 2 minutes and said reasonably, "But if I say that it would be incorrect because you're NOT the supreme gamer overlord. I just proved that logically by beating you. It wouldn't make sense."

That's when Matt threw the cookies on the floor and proceeded to stomp the hell out of them. "OH YEAH? WELL KISS THE COOKIES GOOD-BYE ASSHOLE! I DON'T EVEN LIKE CHOCOLATE, IT CAN GO TO HELL!"

At first L watched quietly. Then he calmly got up and walked into the kitchen. He returned shortly with a meat cleaver. Which he raised up his head as he shuffled toward Matt. Matt froze and asked, "Why do you have that!? Put it down!" But he kept coming.

"AAAHHH THE INSOMNIAC'S GONE CRAZY!"


	7. Complaints

After managing to escape their babysitters, the Wammy House Trio met in one of the spare guest rooms above the central control room. Mainly they wanted to vent out some anger with their new guardians. And they had a LOT to talk about.

"I mean he literally had a DEATH wish. He fucking hugged me! And he had the nerve to take _my_ chocolate and talk about _my_ face. I guess he never looked in a mirror in his life." Mello was saying to Near. "Who actually has the nerve to taunt this masterpiece!?" Mello motioned to his face while eating a bar of chocolate.

"Well, I wouldn't say 'masterpiece' Mello." Near said from the floor with his Megaman figure. "But at least you got an idiot you can work with. My idiot won't even admit he's an idiot. Or let me help with the Kira case, even when he obviously needs it. What about you Matt? _Matt?_"

Near and Mello turned to stare at Matt who was sitting on the other couch staring into space. "Man, who the hell died?" Mello asked as they watched Matt stare into space with a haunted look on his face.

"meat cleaver. Meat Cleaver. MEAT CLEAVER! The bastard came after me with a meat cleaver! And over some store bought cookies! He's an insomniac psycho!"

Near and Mello just looked on at Matt while he sat on the couch. It had been a long day indeed.

Down in the control room L and Light were discussing their pains of the day. Just before they started Matsuda came in, sporting a nice swollen black eye. He stumbled into the coffee table then finally found the couch and sat down.

"L. I am seriously going to arrest that _THING _for gang-related activity. He punched me in my EYE! My face has been hurting for hours and I can't see straight. You know how many times I've stubbed my toe on that coffee table? Well, I don't really know but it has to be a lot because I-"

"Aaarggh! Matsuda SHUT UP! Who told you to hug the monster anyways?" Light said still smoldering from Near's comments.

"Well, he was crying and I didn't want to be a meanie and he was just a kid and he HIT ME!"

L stared at Matsuda silently for a few moments eating a bar of chocolate that he took from Mello's pack. "Matsuda I know you are a man of little brain, but I will explain what happened to you. You. Got. Played. Simple."

While Matsuda sat on the other end of the couch and pouted, Light began his venting of Near's many dents to his ego. "Really? ME STUPID? The kid looks like he's barely out of middle school! And he talks to me about being STUPID? And then he keeps calling me 'Imagay'! I'M A GAY. He seriously ticks me off."

Matsuda stared at Light for a moment then said, "You're a gay? I didn't know that."

"Matsuda, hold still while I BLACKEN YOUR OTHER EYE!" Light shouted jumping at Matsuda who screamed and hid behind L. Being blind in one eye was enough, but being completely blind wasn't going to fly. "L, get him away, get him away! I want to see out of a least one eye! I'm sorry Light. Sorry!"

Light sat back down in a huff and turned to L. "So, how was the gamer geek? Had any problems with him?"

L paused in eating his chocolate and said, "Well, there was a mishap with him and my _precious _cookies. And I admit, I snapped. It was a good thing that Matt decided to crawl into that air vent or I would have gotten him. Enough of that for now though, I've already devised a plan to get rid of the horrid Wammy House Trio. If you want to hear it, that is."

Matsuda perked up. "Anything to get rid of that monster. Lay it on me."

Light sat back and said, "It better be enough to get rid of that silver-haired pain-in-the-ass."

"Oh, it is. And it would work on that cookie smashing moron. It's only one word: _Watari_."


	8. So Long Wammy House Trio

Watari was just the person to take care of the Wammy House Trio. He should be more than qualified since he dealt with L's strange attitude for most of his life. He had the muscle since he often had to force feed L something else besides sweets and he had the wit to keep up with the many snappy comments that come from a genius.

Since L was the one that enlisted in his help, Watari started with Matt. He found him in the usual place: in front of a TV playing a videogame. Approaching he said, "Matt, mind if I play a game against you? An old man misses the times of his childhood. It would do me well."

"Wow, they had videogames back in the prehistoric ages? Grab a controller pops." Matt handed Watari a controller without taking his eyes off the screen. He figured beating an old man would boost some of his ego.

But to Matt's surprise he lost repeatedly. 30 wins to Watari and none to Matt. "What the hell!? You cheated pops! I should kick your ass." Matt said as Watari got up and bent down behind the couch.

"I'm glad you said that Matt, because now you've given me a reason to use this." Watari then hefted up a sizable sledgehammer from behind the couch. He crossed the room and took the liberty of beating the hell out of the Xbox in front of Matt. "Now, I suggest you pack your things before I decide to work on something a little more..._malleable_. Wouldn't you say?"

After walking out of the room he came across Near in the study with his Megaman figure. Apparently he had gotten bored because there were numerous puzzles, books, and math equations littered across the floor. Watari also noted the chessboard on the study desk.

"Excuse me Near, but would you mind playing me at chess? An old man has to keep his mind sharp or he forgets his own name." Watari asked setting up the chessboard with him as black. "Shall we?"

Near took up the white side of the chessboard and said, "We shall." It should have been easy for a younger mind to beat someone as old as Watari, but it didn't turn out that way. After his 8th match, he sat and thought for a moment.

"Might I suggest a hint Near? Here it is: You are too cocky and sure of yourself. You don't have that much experience because you haven't lived nearly _half_ as long as me. You are not as smart as you think you are so tone down your ego." And with that Watari left Near slack-jawed to find Mello.

Mello was in the next guestroom over watching yet another bout of television and devouring bars of chocolate. And since Mello ate so much chocolate and he that was _very_ lazy, the wrappers never found their way into the trash can. Instead, they found their way onto the floor. There were so many wrappers that you could hardly see the floor.

Watari took one look at the mess, then stepped between Mello and the television. "Hey ya old bastard, you think you're invisible? MOVE IT." Mello snapped trying to see around Watari. Watari still stood there and waited. Mello got up and shouted, "OH I'M SORRY. I FORGOT THAT AN OLD BASTARD LIKE YOU MAY BE DEAF. GET A HEARING AID!"

That's when Watari finally spoke. "Mello I know you have an insatiable taste for chocolate, but the wrappers shouldn't be on the floor. The trash can is just across the room. Would you be so kind as to pick these up?"

Mello stared at Watari for a moment then burst out laughing. "Oh really, you poor old man. You actually think I give a shit how your room looks? Aren't you a butler or something? Clean it up if you don't like it. Or does it hurt your back too much to bend down?" Mello continued laughing as Watari stood there.

Watari took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. Of course Mello was going to be the hardest one to teach a lesson to. "Okay Mello I see I would have to speak your language for a moment: If you don't pick up the wrappers then I shall _kick your ass._"

"What was that oldie?"

"I said I shall have to _kick your ass. _You seem to be the one who needs the hearing aid, my boy."

That's when Mello charged, fist raised ready to deal out some punches. But his fist met air as Watari stepped aside. Mello aimed a kick at his head, but ended up turning himself 360 and landed on his ass. Watari just stood there as he got up. Then Mello started a bull charge straight at Watari. And that's when Watari struck.

He stepped to one side as Mello charged and gave him a well-mannered kick in the back of the head. Then he caught him by the scruff of his shirt, lifted him up, and tossed him onto the coffee table which broke under Mello's weight. As Watari left the room he said, "And dear Mello, you may want to lay off the chocolate. That table was strong mahogany."

L, Light, and Matsuda didn't have to wonder if Watari did the trick because the very next day the Wammy House Trio were gone.

~.~.~.~.~.~.~

_**Thanks to all of you who reviewed and followed! This was my first fanfic and it encourages me to do more humor/comedy stuff and try some other anime. (I don't really have to sign my name, do I?) :D **_


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